Ozzy's therapist has been in close contact with us. When I spoke with him the other day, he used described Ozzy in the perfect way. He explained that he is not just playing with "firecrackers" with the things he is choosing to do, but instead he is playing with "bombs". It totally made sense to me. Then the guilt set in. Where did I fail my son? What could I have done differently.
The next time I heard from the therapist, he explained reality had set in from Ozzy. Ozzy realized this wasn't going to be a picnic and wasn't what he thought it would be. That Ozzy is very likable and a lot of times that can enable a person. He said when a kid is so likable, we tend to go easier on them. He said Ozzy was pretty upset about having to get a haircut too! At that moment, I want to rush to Ozzy's side and give him a hug and tell him it's going to be okay and that we didn't send him their as a punishment, but to help him. I want so much more for my kids and sometimes do know how to do it correctly or effectively. I want whats best for my kids, but tend to do things my way of thinking not the way I should.
I am anxious for the first phone call with him. Will he talk to me? How angry is he?
Tuesday, June 19, 2012
Thursday, June 14, 2012
The Biggest Decision To Our New Beginning......
Although we have been together for almost 10 years, our lives have been
separate, chaotic, and hurtful. We have struggled to blend a family of yours, mine, and ours. It is now a do or die situation for the children and my marriage.
I made one of the most difficult decisions in my time as a mother two days ago. I sent my 15 years old son (from my first marriage) to a boys home for at least 10 months. I know deep down, this is what he needs and our family needs in order to heal, but it doesn't make it any easier. We checked into putting him in a wilderness program or a residential center a month ago. However, as a mother, I just couldn't bring myself to do it. I had been feeling heartbroken, confused and most importantly GUILTY for my lack of mothering skills! To make matters worse, he started being pleasant and working with the family. Deep in my heart though, I knew it was only temporary. A few good weeks passed, then the signs of trouble began. He was still blaming others and myself for everything and he started picking and taunting the younger kids. He didn't understand or even realize his own mistakes. In his eyes the problem was not him but everyone else around him. Even a pediatrician and counselor suggested he may be oppositional defiant and a residential center might help him (nothing a mother wants to hear!) This was also not a recent behavior either.
The day finally came when I had to make the phone call and ask they come and pick him up. The blessing of waiting a month was I needed in order to feel I was making the right choice. Timing was everything! During this time, we had told him our plans and what we had in place in case he was not able to keep up his end of things. We even left the parent handbook out one day on purpose knowing he would pick it up and read it. I think in his mind he found it as a way out of the house and no parents. So the behavior has progressively gotten worse because he was determined to go to the place we had chosen. I had the longest night in my life. I played in my mind what was going to happen when two men came at 7:00 a.m. and walk into his room, wake him up, and walk him out. He was not aware when this would happen, but knew it would at some point. Even though in my heart I knew he would not struggle, I still had fear of what he would do and say. We had taken the other kids the night before after he was in bed and had them stay at a dear friend Amy's. I didn't want any more trauma in the house and less confusion for him. As they walked down and woke him up, tears began to fill my eyes. My heart sank as he came up the stairs and was escorted out to the car. I was asked to come out once he was buckled in to say goodbye. It took all I had to choke back the tears. I told him I loved him and we were doing the right thing and then hugged him. It only took 10 minutes for the whole thing to end. I felt such a peace come over me at how well it went.
Later that morning, I was to drive 40 minutes to the academy and bring the staff his required belongings. I would not be allowed to see him, but just being close brought peace. I walked in with my arms full and saw one of the men who escorted him there. He informed me that Ozzy was a gentlemen and talked in the car the whole time. Ozzy shared his love of wrestling and how disappointed he was he was not going to be able to wrestle during his stay because it was not part of their athletics program. The man (who I think is a coach there) told Ozzy that if he works his program they could take him to a local high school to wrestle. I was so happy to hear the news.
I was brought back to an office and could feel my emotions move to the surface. At that time, Lynn had left her office to go make copies of all the legal documents. I had my back to the door and could hear other's approaching. Usually I would turn around to see who it was, but this time I was trying to get my emotions under control. At that moment a lady come in and quickly shut the door and asked if that was my son who walked by. I told her I was not sure. Come to find out, it was him! I don't think he realized it was me either. I don't think I could have taken seeing him. Usually it is about a month before any contact is even made with the child and parents. Lynn went to find them and let his escort know to not come down the hall for awhile. She came back and told me how handsome he was and that he was smiling. I was able to meet his counselor and truly feel at peace. As a mother, that was the best news I could have been given just then. Even though walking out of the building without him was hard, I knew we had made the right decision for our son and our family.
I know the road will still be bumpy ahead, but now the healing can begin and we can move forward. We need to leave the past behind and build memories from this point. We need to forgive everyone and become united together.
I made one of the most difficult decisions in my time as a mother two days ago. I sent my 15 years old son (from my first marriage) to a boys home for at least 10 months. I know deep down, this is what he needs and our family needs in order to heal, but it doesn't make it any easier. We checked into putting him in a wilderness program or a residential center a month ago. However, as a mother, I just couldn't bring myself to do it. I had been feeling heartbroken, confused and most importantly GUILTY for my lack of mothering skills! To make matters worse, he started being pleasant and working with the family. Deep in my heart though, I knew it was only temporary. A few good weeks passed, then the signs of trouble began. He was still blaming others and myself for everything and he started picking and taunting the younger kids. He didn't understand or even realize his own mistakes. In his eyes the problem was not him but everyone else around him. Even a pediatrician and counselor suggested he may be oppositional defiant and a residential center might help him (nothing a mother wants to hear!) This was also not a recent behavior either.
The day finally came when I had to make the phone call and ask they come and pick him up. The blessing of waiting a month was I needed in order to feel I was making the right choice. Timing was everything! During this time, we had told him our plans and what we had in place in case he was not able to keep up his end of things. We even left the parent handbook out one day on purpose knowing he would pick it up and read it. I think in his mind he found it as a way out of the house and no parents. So the behavior has progressively gotten worse because he was determined to go to the place we had chosen. I had the longest night in my life. I played in my mind what was going to happen when two men came at 7:00 a.m. and walk into his room, wake him up, and walk him out. He was not aware when this would happen, but knew it would at some point. Even though in my heart I knew he would not struggle, I still had fear of what he would do and say. We had taken the other kids the night before after he was in bed and had them stay at a dear friend Amy's. I didn't want any more trauma in the house and less confusion for him. As they walked down and woke him up, tears began to fill my eyes. My heart sank as he came up the stairs and was escorted out to the car. I was asked to come out once he was buckled in to say goodbye. It took all I had to choke back the tears. I told him I loved him and we were doing the right thing and then hugged him. It only took 10 minutes for the whole thing to end. I felt such a peace come over me at how well it went.
Later that morning, I was to drive 40 minutes to the academy and bring the staff his required belongings. I would not be allowed to see him, but just being close brought peace. I walked in with my arms full and saw one of the men who escorted him there. He informed me that Ozzy was a gentlemen and talked in the car the whole time. Ozzy shared his love of wrestling and how disappointed he was he was not going to be able to wrestle during his stay because it was not part of their athletics program. The man (who I think is a coach there) told Ozzy that if he works his program they could take him to a local high school to wrestle. I was so happy to hear the news.
I was brought back to an office and could feel my emotions move to the surface. At that time, Lynn had left her office to go make copies of all the legal documents. I had my back to the door and could hear other's approaching. Usually I would turn around to see who it was, but this time I was trying to get my emotions under control. At that moment a lady come in and quickly shut the door and asked if that was my son who walked by. I told her I was not sure. Come to find out, it was him! I don't think he realized it was me either. I don't think I could have taken seeing him. Usually it is about a month before any contact is even made with the child and parents. Lynn went to find them and let his escort know to not come down the hall for awhile. She came back and told me how handsome he was and that he was smiling. I was able to meet his counselor and truly feel at peace. As a mother, that was the best news I could have been given just then. Even though walking out of the building without him was hard, I knew we had made the right decision for our son and our family.
I know the road will still be bumpy ahead, but now the healing can begin and we can move forward. We need to leave the past behind and build memories from this point. We need to forgive everyone and become united together.
Our Journey Begins......
I am starting this blog to write about my feelings and experiences while healing a blended family. I hope that through the entries I write, a change in heart will be evident in my family and bring us all the strength and peace we desire.
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